It was a long and lonely night and the women wept and wept and the
children bounced off the walls and the cuckoo clock struck two or three
and the old men slept in their armchairs and everything was ordinary and
civilized and then came the Old Man from the Charitable Society who
sounded very much like Billy Graham or was it Jimmy Swaggart and they
wheeled me into the Home for the Malicious and Degenerate and the sky was
dark and bloody and everything was ordinary and civilized and the leaves
rustled and the crickets chirped and I sneezed in my wheelchair sucking on
a long and hard long and hard cigarette thinking of my mother and father
and how ashamed they must be that I turned out like that like a rapist and
a mass murderer like a goodfornothing son and I sucked on my long and hard
cigarette and blew a lot of smoke a lot of smoke and felt very sick and
tired and the Old Man looked at me through his dark glasses holding up my
trousers with one hand and grabbing my nose with the other I felt ashamed
I felt very ashamed and I cried hallelujah praise the Lord and the angels
came and they sat on my nose and wept and wept my trousers were very tight
but the Old Man's trousers were much tighter and he gave out a strange
noise a very strange noise of some kind of flatulence and we wept and we
wept and we wept gosh I thought I must be in Hollywood this must be
Hollywood and they grabbed my balls and they sat me on a chair and gave me
electroshock therapy and it felt good and I saw mama and she read the
Bible and the angels wept and I made the front page of The New York Times
and even and even TIME magazine my eyes were dirty and full of smoke and
the doctor came and examined me and told me that I had a brain problem A
BRAIN PROBLEM wow I thought I must be in the St. Elizabeth's hospital and
they gave me Thorazine and they gave me Lithium and they gave me Trilafon
and they shot me up with all kinds of weird weird substances and I saw
Charlie Manson on TV and he smiled and laughed and said it is now your
time asshole to sit here in paradise I was very ashamed of my nakedness
and cried to Jesus cried to Jesus to forgive me for all my sins for I
didn't really mean to shoot the president it was only a mistake a little
voice in my brain told me to do it and the Old Man laughed and squeezed my
balls even tighter tighter tighter a girl with small breasts came to visit
me and I don't remember her name because I'm a rapist and a mass murderer
and I don't remember names and she sat and read me from the Wall Street
Journal and I got up with a huge erection and made a loud speech before
the Charitable Society Committee for Criminally Insane with Religious
Tendencies and they laughed and laughed and told me that I was really
really a fool and I had no right to speak at all and I protested and
yelled and kicked them in the legs and bit them in the noses and poured
rubbing alcohol in their eyes and they tied me to my bed and gagged me and
the night was long and lonely and the cuckoo clock cried and the old men
unzipped their trousers and everything was ordinary and civilized.

                                                                                                            --Alexander Shaumyan
                                                                                               January 5, 1987